I'm Not Gay

Circa 1980—Redwood City, California

All the exposure I had to homosexuals up to the parade of 1976 painted an image of freakish behavior and appearance—effeminate men, men who wanted to be women; men who acted like women; dressed like women; sexual predators and the list could go on and on. They were exotic and nothing like me. I was polite, well mannered, masculine...even butch. I got dirty and played sports. I had and used weapons, hunted and fished, drank and cussed like a sailor and voted Republican. No likeness at all.

In my early 20's I began having a sexual awakening of sorts. I fantasized about guys my age, and strangely enough, I fantasized about being raped by them, but I couldn't equate my fantasies with being queer. I just thought I was a straight guy who liked to fool around with other guys. Didn't all guys think that way? Ok, so the rape thing was a little out there, but guys couldn't really possibly like having sex with something that smelled like fish(this I knew from first hand experience) could they? No way!

Sex with guys was better. We knew our bodies better than women and knew how to touch the right areas. We were firm and muscular, and our sex was aggressive just as we like it. I saw nothing effeminate about sex between men; nothing gay or submissive. There were no women involved, no sissies, just men. It was the ultimate guy thing; male to male—wrestling taken to an advanced level.

For me this all made sense. The problem was...I wasn't meeting any guys who thought like me.